5 Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money can't buy you happiness ,but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive Only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve problems but neither does milk! So drink up.

Men really Shouldn't

GOOD ADVICE

Advice to an Old Guy... An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.




Money spent:Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00






Oil Change instructions for Men:1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.


Money spent:Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00 
But you know the job was done right! 

A Good Story

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

 

Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride." So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

 

Soon they came upon a bridge. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story?

 

 

If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.

Should I run?

  Sorry that I haven't been around much lately..I've got so many things going on around me now...BTW I thank each of you for the messages and emails of support.(It really meant a lot to me that you all were thinking of me.
 ..This weekend my family wants me to meet them at Mom's house to start cleaning it out..I really just don't feel like I have the heart for it. I go out of my way to avoid it now. The last time I was there was to pick up some things that she requested from her hospital bed. I don't mind telling you I cried like a baby. Now some of the family thinks its time to go through her things Why?  Why can't they wait for some hearts to mend it's only been 6 days since we laid her to rest.

  My first instinct is to just RUN away from it all.