Saturday, June 25, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Redneck Logic...

This is straight forward country thinking!!

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

  1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
      You may be a Muslim

  2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

      You may be a Muslim

  3. If you have more wives than teeth.
      You may be a Muslim

  4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
      You may be a Muslim

  5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
      You may be a Muslim

  6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
      You may be a Muslim

  7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
      You may be a Muslim

  8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside

      You may be a Muslim

  9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
      You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States.
      You may be a Muslim

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Could this be love?

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old,but they know
they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you
for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 12.  Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room.  It's bigger than mine and
we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks
a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question.  What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable....

Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Dad

If flowers grow in heaven Lord, then pick a bunch for me ▬▬▬ place them in my Dad's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and miss him, and when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for a while. ♥

Friday, June 17, 2011

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
 When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
 Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
 As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


On the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her drivers license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.
In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9 mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Any Men in Black Fans?

One of my friends( from way back) took his vacation this year in New York and he took some Great Pictures of the filming of the new movie Men in Black 3...Here is some of his pictures.

Will Smith with wardrobe

Just "WOW"
Would love to drive one of these babies!

My friend said Will was such a "Cool Guy" I always thought he would be.

BTW He met this guy below too

Jim Belushi (A Fav. of mine :)

Monday, June 13, 2011



The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
No Christmas-
No television-
No nude women-
No football-
No pork chops-
No hotdogs-
No burgers-
No beer-
No bacon-
Rags for clothes-
Towels for hats-
Constant wailing from some
idiot in a tower-
More than one wife-
More than one mother in law-
You can't shave-
Your wife can't shave-
You can't wash off the smell of donkey-
You wipe your ass with your hand-
You cook over burning camel shit-
Your wife is picked by someone else-
Your wife smells worse than your donkey  
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"
No shit Sherlock!..... ....It's not like it could get much worse!

Monday, June 6, 2011


He was getting old and paunchy
and his hair was falling fast,
and he sat around the Legion,
telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
they were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
his tales became a joke,
all his buddies listened quietly
for they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
for ol' Bob has passed away,
and the world's a little poorer
for a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
just his children and his wife.
for he lived an ordinary,
very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
going quietly on his way;
and the world won't note his passing,
'tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
their bodies lie in state,
while thousands note their passing,
and proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
from the time that they were young,
but the passing of a Soldier
goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
to the welfare of our land,
some jerk who breaks his promise
and cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
who in times of war and strife,
goes off to serve his country
and offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
and the style in which he lives,
are often disproportionate,
to the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
who offered up his all,
is paid off with a medal
and perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
with their compromise and ploys,
who won for us the freedom
that our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
with your enemies at hand,
would you really want some cop-out,
with his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
his home, his country, his kin,
just a common Soldier,
who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
and his ranks are growing thin,
but his presence should remind us
we may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
we find the Soldier's part,
is to clean up all the troubles
that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
while he's here to hear the praise,
then at least let's give him homage
at the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simply headline
in the paper that might say:


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Kids! Gotta Love em

Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you
got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Jimmy & Bubba - a new truck.

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking Down Main Street and saw his Buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new Pickup.   
Bubba pulled up to him 
With a wide grin.   
'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?'    
'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied. 
'She give it to ya?  
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya -
But a new truck?' 
'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.  
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle 
Of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the
Truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. 
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,  
'Bubba, take whatever you want.' 
'So I took the truck!'  
'Bubba, yore a smart man! 
Them clothes woulda never fit ya!'