Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Advice to an Old Guy...
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

Friday, May 27, 2011

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Court Sayings

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS:  Alive and practicing law.


Monday, May 23, 2011


Two men were talking.  So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."   "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know,  I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

II ---- LOUD SEX --
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a  big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."   "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is."   "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking,  "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm. "  She looked at him casually and replied,   "You're never home!"

 A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was  mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him  that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,  but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since  it was considered cosmetic.  The doctor said the cost  would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and  $14,000 for "large."  The man was sure he would want a  medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife  before he made any decision.  The man called his wife and explained their  options.   The doctor came back into the room, and found the man  looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you  decided?" asked the doctor.  The man answered, "She'd  rather remodel the kitchen".

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day  of their 40th wedding anniversary.  The husband yells,  "When you die, I'm getting you a  headstone that reads:  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "Well, when you die, I'm getting  you a headstone that reads:  'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "

VI ---- NO SEX --
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,  "This will make you happy tonight."  He was right.   When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over  the doorknobs.  He couldn't get back in.

VII ---- OLD SEX --
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the  balcony of their 20th floor assisted living  apartment ... killing him instantly.    Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the  judge asked her if she had anything to say in her  defense.  She began coolly, "Yes , your honor, I figured  that at 92, if he could have sex .... he could fly."

Friday, May 20, 2011

Politically Incorrect..WARNING----some of these are way bad

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."  I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

Top tip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know.........maybe 350 pounds."

I have a new pickup line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me, Love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently African Americans and Hispanics were not the correct answers.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


  1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

  2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

  5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

  6. You watch the Weather Channel.

  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"


26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Good morning . . . At present we are not at  home but, please Leave your message after you hear the  beep.      beeeeeppp ...
If you  are one of our children, dial 1  and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it  is.
If you need us to stay with the children  because they're sick, press 2
If you are calling to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash & iron your clothes,  press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here  tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school,  press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or  to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come HERE to eat, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are calling to invite us to dinner, or,  taking us to the theater, start talking we're listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

I have one Question! Does this blog background have to much GREEN  in it?????????????

Thursday, May 12, 2011




A teacher is explaining biology to

her 3rd grade students.

She  says, "Human beings are the only animals that  stutter."

A  little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat  who stuttered."
The  teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the  girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say
'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher  had to leave the room.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Festus & Billy Bob

Festus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Festus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Festus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me an the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

Don't make me come and 'splain this to you' ! .... Read the last line again !

Thursday, May 5, 2011

God's final inspection of a Soldier......

The Soldier stood and faced God, 
Which must always come to pass. 
He hoped his shoes were shining, 
Just as brightly as his brass.. 
'Step forward now, Soldier , 
How shall I deal with you? 
Have you always turned the other cheek? 
To My Church have you been true?' 
The soldier squared his shoulders and said, 
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't. 
Because those of us who carry guns, 
Can't always be a saint. 
I've had to work most Sundays, 
And at times my talk was tough. 
And sometimes I've been violent, 
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny, 
That wasn't mine to keep... 
Though I worked a lot of overtime, 
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help, 
Though at times I shook with fear.. 
And sometimes, God, forgive me, 
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place, 
Among the people here. 
They never wanted me around, 
Except to calm their fears

If you've a place for me here, Lord, 
It needn't be so grand. 
I never expected or had too much, 
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne, 
Where the saints had often trod. 
As the Soldier waited quietly, 
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you Soldier, 
You've borne your burdens well. 
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, 
You've done your time in Hell.'

~Author Unknown~

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Believe it or not...These are Memphis, TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. 
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. 
Dispatcher: Excuse me? 
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? 
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is the nature of your emergency? 
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. 
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one 
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? 
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.......... 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police 

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Mrs Brown Gets A Bikini Wax

I'm still laughing about Supi's blog today~ At least this lady wasn't driving :)