A COUPLE OF JOKES FOR YA

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents

Ray & Bubba   (West Virginia Mechanical  Engineers)
> were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up.
> A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
>
> 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
> 'but we don't have a ladder.'
>
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts
> and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
> pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'eighteen feet, six inches,'
> and walked away.
>
>
> Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
> We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
>
> Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government under
>  the Obama administration.
>

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

 An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.  Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .  I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Irish Humor.

> Irish Alzheimer's
>
>
> Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when
> he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
>
> After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad
> ya decided to com e to Mass. What made ya com e?"
>
> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
> misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
> had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also
> knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would
> leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion
> & steal McGlynn's hat."
>
> The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
> hat. What changed your mind?"
>
> Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
> I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
>
> With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After
> I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do
> without your hat than burn in Hell?"
>
> Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
> Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
>
>
>
>

A Job is Open for the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an  assassin.
After all the background checks,  interviews
and testing were done, there were 3  finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test,  the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door  and handed
Him a gun.

'We  must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter  what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find  your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The  man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my  wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right  man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The  second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun  and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5  minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I  tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You  don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go  home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given  the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took  the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,  one
After another. They heard screaming,  crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all  was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood  the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is  loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death  with the chair.'


MORAL:

Women get the job done.

Todays Word!

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke. 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."  The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" 

 (You know you're laughing...)

A little correctional humor

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.

I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

Sick Leave

Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but,
I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then
she would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss might thinks I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told her I was a light bulb.

She said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

How to Wash the Cat

How to Wash the Cat - by The Dog


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet (this step is optional).


2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted .


3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.


6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Maybe this job really isn't for me

 
My  1 day of employment  
 

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart  greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less  than a day...

About two hours into my first  day on the job a very loud,  
unattractive,  mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,  yelling obscenities at them all the way through the  entrance.
 

I  said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.  
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
.  
 

The  ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell  no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's  7.   Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you  blind, or stupid?"
 

So  I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I  just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good  day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
   
My  supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.